Alex Disney

I went to India when I was 18, that was a major event in my life, I could hardly contain my joy. I had never thought of traveling in the past but when I came to one guru, I couldn’t believe my luck, I felt so happy, finally, I had found something that inspired me. But I was very scared at first, I had never traveled by myself before, and I was going for a while, I actually went for 6 months, my family called me brave, but I didn’t feel brave, I just felt inspired to move, I was following my heart, it reminds me of when I was in nature, of how beautiful and light the feeling was. something that school had never given me. Although, I used to find myself in the library a year earlier, studying spiritual and philosophical texts, even psychology. I read everything. But going to India by myself was a totally different story, I had to be strong, and independent.

I was standing alone in my room, staring at the wall; I was stuck between worlds. I felt like something BIG at happened. Was it fate? Maybe it was the way I was put together? I was standing alone, but I heard voices. I’m not sure where it was from God? or the Devas? (the gods of Hinduism) or maybe it was an angel. I had read a lot about such things and had spent a lot of time contemplating their existence. My first experience with schizophrenia was severe. I had so much in mind, I really thought I was in Hell (something with which I had never had any belief in), but somehow, in the visions and my own experience, I could not doubt its existence. It was very real for me when I was running around the hospital with a purpose. The walls were wavy, everything was wavy, I had visions, and I could not take my mind off the fact that I really was in deep dodo. I thought God had renounced me. That was the worst feeling in my life, and I had previously done everything for that relationship. I had chanted mantras endlessly. I had put my whole being into the worship of the Heart. Despite this, I had found myself questioning everything like usual. Will it ever end? I think living by the Heart is the most potent form of religion there is. But I seemed to always reach trouble by being that way. My writing isn’t the best, but hopefully, this short message reaches you well.

In many ways I have started a new life, I have started counting my blessings. It wasn’t easy to get to this point at all. But here I am, in the flesh, Ready to start with life again. Maybe it was something I said to get things into that position, maybe I was holding on too hard. It’s hard to say really, it sounds depressing going over it. But I was stuck without any options. I dropped my arms in defeat, it was over with. I can’t believe I gave up. I can’t believe I gave in, was it humility or was it defeatism? I like to think it was humility, my racing mind never had a break, but when I dropped my arms it felt like I had finally surrendered a piece of myself to life. Again, I know this sounds depressing, but bear with me, I had been fighting all my life, struggling to keep control. When I dropped my arms it felt like I was finally free. No longer will I struggle to try to be something I’m not. I had given up on what I should be and opened my life up to what it could be. And you know what, things started to change after that. I started receiving the right treatment and was well on the way to a speedy recovery. Was it like magic, or was it spiritual, or was I too invested in that idea? I had always held such things in high regard since I was a kid. I had questions for life deep down, which demanded to be explored, it was possible I was just lying to myself about what I wanted. I wanted a new life, but now I’m not sure, maybe my old life was better, maybe it had a point.

It was morning time, I could barely sleep, there was the sound of wind outside, I was frightened I would never get a good night’s sleep, but maybe I wasn’t supposed to sleep much, something told me I had work to do, “what is that work though?”, I asked myself. It seemed it was possible I had great things ahead, a possibility of a vague future with which somehow I had weird confidence. Was it my intuition or was it the constant reminder from outside, from society, from family, from loved ones, “you need to work, you can’t just do nothing”. Even as I write this I see the irony, because this is how I think now. Was it possible to set me free from this constant set of ideals, “have a house, go to college, make a living” in fact, it was not. So, here I find myself writing about my experience. I hope this reaches the hearts of those with whom I am searching.

I was standing in my room, I couldn’t focus, the room was twirling around, I was standing to attention trying to find my footing, I don’t know what I was doing, but I was stuck, I was done for. Holding on for dear life. Trapped in a state beyond life’s experiences. Living in a dream world. (I was diagnosed with schizophrenia) and the world looked totally different from that perspective. I don’t know what I was doing, but it was time to move on and stop standing I went from my room to the outside world, but what was outside? when I lived in that world, it was impossible to tell what was up and what was down. Who knows what kind of place that was. But one thing was for sure, I was in it, and in it for the long haul. Who knows what brought it on, was it stress, or was it something else entirely. My time in that world was short, but my god was it scary, never knowing when things will change, maybe they will never change, maybe this is what life is now. Writing isn’t my specialty, but I hope this short segment made a small impact and provided a short glimpse into what the world is like through my eyes.